gingivitis huntsmen: Abandon Hope: Sex Will Not Save Your Relationship

I?m going to be blunt here?I love sex.

I have a high sex-drive. Sometimes higher than my own partner. I remember when Clay and I were first really getting to know each other.

I also remember when our overzealous sex life simmered down quite a bit (only normal, ya know) and I was wanting more than what I was getting. And when that happened, I realized that my nymphomaniac tendencies were causing a lot of angst, insecurity and frustration in my relationship. (By the way one of my 5 Love Languages is touch, to give you an idea on how I filter love).

I mean, if I wanted him more than he wanted me, then something was wrong, right? So what did I do? I did what a lot of women have done to fix their once steamy relationship?pull out all the tricks up their sleeve.

Doing things that I thought would make him notice and want me more.

For example:

Dropping a fat stack of cash for clothes and shit I didn?t need all for the end result of looking sexy and attractive.
Waking up at ass o?clock in the morning to stand in front of the mirror while I prepared my face for the ?I-spent-no-time-and-effort-to-look-this-good? look.
Bending over backwards (in the most un-sexual and un-fun way) as I pulled in a 12 hour shift to try to ?get closer? to him.

My ?seduction tactics? were really pathetic and laced with desperation as rejection lowered my self-esteem down another notch.

Then I realized what was really happening.

Sex is Just Part of the Equation

I know I?m not alone in this. I know that there are people out there that are trying respark that connection that they once had with their partner into the relationship they had before the newness of the steamy relationship wore off.

But really what?s happening here is that they?ve stopped relying on their own internal world to define their wholeness and happiness. Yes, part of being in a committed relationship includes the benefits of a rocking sex life but sex is just part of the equation.

Self-love, trust, commitment, acceptance, compassion and growth are also part of the equation.

Other than feeling great and making cute babies, sex is the purest expression of? love.

The root of loving and flourishing relationship really begins within each individual (I know, I sound like a broken record but not enough people are getting this)!

It?s so easy to get caught in whirlwind of a new romance and an exciting new and juicy sex life as ?all that dopamine and serotonin are coursing through your veins. Eventually, the new relationship energy wears off as the initial phase of emotional bonding and attraction simmers down.

Depending on if the relationship was based on love or lust? some people crash and burn while others are walking the Endless Path with their partner.

So much of your happiness and energy was directed to the love between you and your partner. But then what happens when the rest of life gets back in the picture and throws everything else out of balance? Work, school, kids, bills etc. (It?s all interconnected, you know?).

All of a sudden that one thing that you thought would create unending happiness? isn?t.

And that?s when you start Googling ?how to improve your sex life? and the results you get are nothing but misery, self-loathing and disappointments (and how to use frog poo to get a hard on).

Rather than using your partner as an emotional crutch to define your own worth, rely on yourself to define your state of wholeness.

Ebb and Flow of Love, Life and Sex

Just like with life, there is an ebb and flow within relationships, sex, and love.

People struggle to accept this ebb and flow. When the relationships shifts or changes, many people resist that change and inevitably causes more suffering and pain within the relationship. They are desperate for the flow and continuity of the ?good times? and fear and reject the struggles of life. But what people don?t realize is that the only constant thing in life IS the ebb and flow of it.

This is why you should not use your sex life to determine your own personal attractiveness and worth.

When you place all your stock of who you are in something outside of your own control, you are setting yourself up for suffering when that thing outside your control changes.

When you embrace the change within a relationship, rather than resist it, you are growing WITH the relationship. Most importantly, you are creating a space for love to be fluid and grow.

Relationships change and grow. Only with the ups and downs of life can your relationship grow. I know for sure my Dad?s and Step-mom?s relationship isn?t exactly where it was when they first started dating? Heck I remember ?hearing? them in their bedroom when they were first getting to know each other (!) Ew?

When you embrace the changing tides, rather than resist them, you can really have an amazing sex life and an intense emotional intimacy with someone you chose to share your life with.

When you realize that the only way to increase your sex life is to look beyond all the external factors and circumstances. Take responsibility for your own happiness rather than gauging your happiness and relationship state on how much you?re getting it in the bedroom (or on the dining table, you insatiable nymph!).

I pinky promise you that f*cking like a rockstar will not save a struggling relationship but more like putting a band aid on a cracked dam? but getting to the ROOT of why you and your partner are struggling to connect in a deep and more emotional way will.

I have a good friend named Ev?Yan who writes about the issue of sexuality and self-love. If you haven?t of her yet, you should take the time to check her out at Sex Love Liberation.

Some my favorite articles she has written on this subject are:

Mika

Mika loves to help others liberate themselves from their own beliefs that prevent them from living the life they truly want. She does regular live online presentations on thriving relationships where she also answers live questions. Mika also has a soft spot for Sailor Moon, who's personality closely resembles herself.